I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*