I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
You Might Also Like
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night