I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
You Might Also Like
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
incredible text to wake up to
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The “baby” on the left….
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.