I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk