I wish I were this cool 😂
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.