I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?