I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
You Might Also Like
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“I FIXED IT!”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.