I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window