I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.


I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.


Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.


TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?


Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.


Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.


me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?


A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!