I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
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At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*cough*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I love wikipedia
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”