I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
You Might Also Like
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I created you as mosquito food.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Thinking about Jeff
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents