i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair