I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
titanic
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.