I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
You Might Also Like
your honor my client chooses dare
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
At least try to make it slightly believable
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )