I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Otters see a butterfly.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The game has officially changed 😎
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Inside you there are two wolves
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.