I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
#Caturday
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.