I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.