I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You can’t rush stupid.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)