I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
ouch
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“TGIM!” – My liver
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]