i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
🌱🌱🌱
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
kids play hide and seek like
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?