I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.