i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
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When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband