I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
You Might Also Like
That’s it.I’m out.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.