I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
You Might Also Like
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.