I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.