I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My time has come.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
This headline is a thing of beauty
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.