I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
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Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Life is a suicide mission.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)