I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
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The news in a nutshell.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.