“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
welp
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”