I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
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The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Accurate
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
mariah carrie
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Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.