i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
consequences, the bane of my existence
this article brought to you by lions
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
This hospital has everything
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
peeping toms
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise