I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The dark side of Canada
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
technically true but not a great slogan
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
