@MensHumor

I wish this was real life…

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@BigHeb7

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

@twisted_mystic

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

@TinksEyeView

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

@starbangbandit

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@Petote

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@sannewman

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

@thatcarlygirl

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog