I wish this was real life…

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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.


Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.


There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
I think not Xx


Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.


Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said


My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.


Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.


– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog