I wish this was real life…
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.