I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??