I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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My wedding will be open casket.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.