I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.


goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion


“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”


“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon


I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.


vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.


they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome