@shegotagronk

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

You Might Also Like

@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@UNDEADTRESOR

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

@PaperWash

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

@4SLars

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

@Dawn_M_

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

@anoticingsenpa1

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome