I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
this is me
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.