I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
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Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”