I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.