I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.