I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
You Might Also Like
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Go girl power!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice