I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
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Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no