@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

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@NottaBigDeal

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

@shadonium

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

@BobTheSuit

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

@NewOgdenport

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@AngieDavisHaha

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

@Midgetspar

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

@slimthicccins

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

@OyVeyLady

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

@RobDenBleyker

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.