I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas