I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]