I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
this is the best interaction on twitter
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
