I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.


Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

Me: thanks God!


A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.


Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.


My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”


Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.


Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.


Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.


“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.


Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.