I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife: that’s fair.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.
-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt
Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks