I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.