I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
how high up are we talkin’?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?