I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Quadruple digit IQ
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: