I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
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The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun