I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!