I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.