I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
You Might Also Like
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.