I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You Might Also Like
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f