I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Just why bro?!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
it was love at first sight
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.