I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house