I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
me, after any kind of buffet.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me :
All Day At Night
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.